


Burning Just The Same

by RamsettParkSwings



Series: Ben and Leslie being there for each other [3]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25220332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamsettParkSwings/pseuds/RamsettParkSwings
Summary: Leslie thought it was behind her. Sure, she'd never exactly dealt with her traumatic past, but time heals all wounds, right? Apparently, wrong. When a simple wedding dredges things up, she realizes maybe it's time to finally stop hoping the past will just bury itself. And if she has the support of her husband and best friends as she realizes this, then that's all the better.
Relationships: Leslie Knope & Ann Perkins, Leslie Knope & Ron Swanson, Leslie Knope/Ben Wyatt
Series: Ben and Leslie being there for each other [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1935697
Comments: 18
Kudos: 31





	1. Technically the Truth

Something was off about Leslie. Ben didn’t have much solid proof, but he knew his wife. He could pick up on tiny, seemingly insignificant changes in her behavior. Like how this past week, she’s only eaten roughly two thirds as many waffles as usual. Or how she seemed just slightly less excited about everything. Or how she spent a long time just lying in bed, pretending to still be sleeping, before getting up and starting the day. Again, not much definitive proof. The only real evidence he had was that incident with the phone call last week, and even that had plausible deniability. But when you married someone who could replace the sun and still burn brighter, you noticed these things.

  
  


Leslie had never wanted to simultaneously tell Ben and not tell Ben something so badly. She probably should have once they were married. It was the beginning of their shared lives, and it probably would’ve been a good time to reveal something significant about the family he married into. But she _didn’t want to,_ she whined internally.

He must’ve known something was off by now. She had been trying pretty hard to keep acting the same, but she just couldn’t muster the same energy. She couldn’t stomach the same amount of waffles. If he knew something was up, he wasn’t giving any indication of suspicion. _That is so like him._ Of course he wouldn’t say anything on just a hunch. But she swore she could somehow feel his patience thinning. He was going to address this any minute. She just had to figure out how she would respond. For the thousandth time, she reminisced on her phone call last week with her mother.

******************************************************************************

“Leslie? Are you still there?” her mother’s voice on the other end of the phone call snapped her out of her stupor.

“He’s going to be there? Well then I can’t go.”

“Cheryl said she’d seat you two far away from each other, and you definitely don’t have to talk to him-”

“Mom! He shouldn’t be there at all! How can she invite him?”

“Well, honey, what he did was horrible, but he is still her brother.”

“God,” she had whined. “I knew it was wishful thinking to keep in touch with that family. How did I ever think that this wouldn’t come up at some point?” she was speaking in a hushed voice now, watching people mill about in the hallway in front of her city council office.

“No one’s gonna blame you if you don’t wanna go, sweetie. But at least consider it.”

“No. Definitely not. What could I even say? ‘I know I got your brother 15 to life, here’s a toaster, congratulations’?” 

“It sounds like you’ve made up your mind then,” her mother said, then after a beat: “I’m planning on going, honey. Cheryl’s blameless here. I’m just sorry for how it all went down.”

She scoffed. “Yeah, I don’t think there’s anyone more sorry about ‘how it all went down’ than I am,” she said with more venom than she intended.

Before her mom got a chance to respond, she looked up and saw Ben entering her office. 

“Talk later, Mom!” she hung up in a hurry as Ben sat across from her.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Ben asked with such tenderness that she almost told him on the spot. She didn’t even notice the silent tears rushing down her face until Ben reached across her desk and brushed her cheek with his thumb.

“Oh, uh, we were just talking about a relative, who, uh, passed,” she sniffed.

“You sounded angry. What did you mean there’s no one more sorry about how it all went down than you?”

“It’s nothing, Ben. Really. It was just a long, agonizing, process for everyone.” That was true. “We’re all sorry about how things happened.” Also very true. “You know what, Ben? I kinda don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” Extremely true. She rapidly wiped away the remaining tears on her cheek. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, babe, but you can always talk to me if you change your mind.”

Thankfully, he dropped the subject, but she didn’t think he was convinced. She had sounded pretty angry for that last part that he happened to overhear. And she had every right to be! But now, Ben knew something was up. _Damn it._

******************************************************************************

Her prediction about Ben saying something came true about three days later. She was lying in bed, pretending to still be sleeping, as she had been for the last week and a half. She wasn’t sure how he could tell exactly. But hey, that’s the danger of marrying someone who’s committed to paying attention to you. Maybe she should’ve married Mark, she mused.

“Leslie, I know you’re awake. And I know you’ve been doing this for the last ten days or so,” Ben’s voice pulled her out of her exhausted lull. He ran his fingers through her hair. He didn’t sound mad, or even annoyed. Unsurprisingly, his voice was soft with his trademark affectionate concern. _Why is he so damn perceptive?_

“Yes,” she sighed, turning over to face his side of the bed. He was sitting up in his pajamas reading a now ignored book. “I’m up.”

“Why are you doing this? Do you not like our talks in the mornings anymore?” He sounded so concerned, so genuinely _hurt_ at the possibility that she might be faking sleep to avoid him. She wondered briefly how she would feel if she thought he was doing that to her and... _ouch_. She had to set him straight...but also keep the truth to herself because she wasn’t ready to tell him.

“No! No no no of course I love our talks honey! I just… haven’t been sleeping too well. I’m waking up more tired than usual. I’m not exactly ready to bounce out of bed.” Again, a technical truth. She really needed to stop that.

“I can understand that, but why are you faking being asleep? It’s like you don’t want to talk to me,” he gave her a pained look.

“Honey I _promise_ it’s not you. When I wake up exhausted, I like to give myself just a few more minutes of half-sleep. To try to, you know, make up for it.”

“I guess I understand. You haven’t been sleeping well? Is that why you’ve been off lately?”

She tried not to look taken aback. She knew he knew something was off. She just didn’t think he’d address the other stuff then and there. But, he had made one critical mistake: he had given her an out. 

“Yeah, I think so. I’m tired and stressed with work and my sleep just hasn’t been restful. It’s been tough.” It really did hurt her to lie to Ben. But the thought of telling him...that. It was a bit much for her to bear just now. She knew, logically, of course, that Ben would never in a million years judge her or think any differently of her. If anything, he’d applaud her strength. He’d wrap her up in a hug and say: _You did all of this when you were a teenager?_ He wouldn’t do anything except support her, comfort her, and applaud her. That’s the kind of person Ben was.

Unfortunately, this had nothing to do with Ben and everything to do with her. And right now, she was someone who could not vocalize the truth.

“Then we need to schedule something fun and relaxing so you can unwind a bit. How about mini-golf, JJ’s diner, roller skating, and we come home for a movie night?”

She smiled up at him. “That sounds perfect.” _That won’t solve my problem,_ she thought. But then, nothing but a time machine could do that. 

“Yeah?” he beamed at her. He leaned down to kiss her forehead, and with that, she started her day.


	2. The Last Ten Percent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Leslie have a fun day out to take Leslie's mind off of work. Problem is, Leslie's not really stressed about work and Ben's not really sure what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for The Perks of Being A Wallflower!
> 
> TW: child abuse

Of course, Ben didn’t really buy that. But he knew Leslie. If he pushed the issue, she would only deny it more intensely. Plus, whatever was actually going on, he didn’t want to drag out of her. He hoped that she would see that she really could trust him with any issue she was having. 

That was his calm, calculating side. The louder, panicky side of him was spiraling into possible explanations. Whatever was happening was **seriously** bothering her. Only two thirds of her normal waffle portions? Because she was stressed at work? Come on. And they both knew Leslie was a stress eater, so he wasn’t sure why she’d picked that lie. He considered the possibility that Leslie was telling the truth about the passing of a relative. But then, why was she being so secretive? And how come he hadn’t heard of any funeral? He was going to start stress eating Leslie’s spare waffles if he didn’t figure this out soon.

* * *

She had to admit, roller skating was a great idea. She was great at it, and Ben did have the right idea in thinking that it would help her loosen up and get her mind off of things. Even better, she saw a flyer for a fair just outside of town.

“Babe, cotton candy! Waffles sundaes! We have to go.”

Ben smiled at her. “Victory waffles on me.”

  
  


The fair was exactly what they needed, she thought as she watched Ben try to win a stuffed dog for her. It was no Harvest Festival, of course, but she’d had cotton candy and waffles, played a few carnival games, and Ben was enjoying himself. Even if he was failing miserably at winning her that stuffed dog.

“Babe, it’s okay, we can just-”

“Just one more time Leslie.”

He was clearly happy to see her back at 100 percent. Well… maybe not 100 percent. If she’d been at 75 percent this past week, today she was at 90. Percentages. _I’m turning into him,_ she smiled. Definitely not the worst thing in the world considering how kind he’d been to her throughout this whole mess. Without even knowing. A seed of guilt planted itself in the back of Leslie’s mind. She really should tell him. And really, what was she so scared of? His reaction she knew would be nothing short of supportive and affectionate. 

_Maybe he’ll be mad that I waited this long to tell him…?_ That was a weak excuse and she knew it. Her Ben would **never** get mad at her for something like that given how crushing the truth was. Confused, maybe, and definitely concerned that she’d been bottling something like this up for so long, but not mad. The real reason floated into her head before she could banish it: _I don’t want to bring this stuff back out._ Of course, shoving it way down didn’t seem to be doing her any favors either.

_Can it, voice of reason!_

“You okay, sweetheart?” Ben’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts. He’d given up on the ring toss.

“Huh?”

“You said ‘can it, voice of reason.’”

“Did I? I’m-”

Her words died in her throat. No. This was a good day. She’d had cotton candy. She’d won a bunch of tickets from Whack-a-Mole. She’d had a _waffle sunday!_ This was a good day. So why was she seeing her cousin Cheryl and Uncle James just at a few tents down playing Skee Ball?

She turned back to Ben. “Everything is great! We just- we should get going! I still wanna go mini-golfing and we’ve done everything fun here anyway.”

“You sure? I think I saw some arcade games around somewhere, maybe we could-”

“Arcade games are stupid and mini-golf is the future of entertainment.”

He gave her a confused look. “Well, okay then.”

  
  


Mini-golf went about as well as she could’ve hoped. She won, and she didn’t see any relatives there at least. As they pulled into their driveway, Ben turned and told her what a great time he’d had with her that day.

“I had a great time too. I better get home before I miss curfew!” she teased.

“Okay, okay,” he said good-naturedly. “I’m serious Les, it’s nice to see you with your usual energy.”

She nodded, trying to hide her unease. “Yeah. It’s nice to take a break from work every once in a while,” she said. “Movie time?”

_There she goes trying to hide how she feels,_ he thought. “Yeah, movie time.” 

She really was so close to pulling it off just for today. But they just had to pick _The Perks of Being A Wallflower_ for movie night. It was a teen movie, so not really either of their things, but they did want to watch something they typically never would, so here they were. It was a good movie, touching even, and she could tell Ben loved the early ‘90s setting. They were cuddled together on the couch, with her head on his shoulder and his arm wrapped around her. It was a nice, easy movie to loosen the tension in her throat. 

Sure, the main character Charlie’s general unease echoed many of her own teen sentiments, but fictional problems beat real ones 10,000 to none. Once the credits rolled and the TV was subsequently turned off, Charlie’s problems would be over. She and Ben would head on up to bed and kiss goodnight, and she would try to figure out how to summon her usual energy to keep Ben from being too concerned the next day. It was as good of a plan as she could come up with, and it was simple enough. Except:

_“The worst day was when the doctor told my mom and dad what Aunt Helen did to me,”_ Charlie narrated.

She almost missed it. It was subtle enough, and she was deep enough in thought that, had it not been for that line, she could’ve missed it. She had a delayed reaction too; she didn’t fully comprehend what she had seen until the credits rolled. She _almost_ missed it. But she didn’t. And damn it there was no way she was crying _over a teen movie._ Too late. As tears formed in her eyes, she revised her internal declaration: _there was no way she was crying over a teen movie in front of Ben, who already suspected her of hiding something._

“Honey?” He pulled her closer when he heard her sniffles. “That was pretty sad. Poor Charlie. Really explains all the pain he was in the whole time.” He stroked her cheek, not meaning to wipe the tears but meaning instead to soothe her.

And with that, she bolted. She didn’t exactly run to the bathroom, but she didn’t hide her rush either. Without a look back at Ben, she closed the door behind her, sat against the wall, and gave the rest of her tears permission to leave her eyes. She thought at first this might be a brief inconvenience. If she did this right, she could still pretend this was because of pure sympathy for the main character. Not that Ben would _really_ believe it. But maybe just enough to drop it. After all, she was a pretty easy crier. She could convince him.

She wiped away the cool, mostly dry tears on her face, and then the fresh, burning ones that were spilling out. _Okay,_ she drew a shaky breath, _good. Ben is coming and I’m pretty much okay now._ Except, the tears kept flowing freely from her eyes faster than she could wipe away. Just then, Ben walked in. Right on time. She heard a noise she thought came from him, but she realized she was sobbing. Intensely.

Ben knelt down beside her and covered both of her hands with his, gripping them firmly. He moved her away from the wall and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Get it all out, honey,” he said soothingly. He rubbed her back and gave her a kiss on the forehead before waiting for her to calm down enough to speak.

It took her a few minutes, but she finally exhaled a last shaky breath and looked him directly in the eyes. “I’m sorry, Ben. I haven’t been honest with you. There _is_ something going on. Not just work. Or my mysterious dead relative,” she sniffed.

“Yeah, I figured,” he said kindly, taking her hand. “Can you tell me?”

_Oh boy._ She was really doing this, wasn’t she? She almost wanted to run again, but one look at Ben’s face practically melted her to her spot. _Okay._ She took a couple of deep breaths before beginning.

“It’s-” she started. _Deep breaths._ God, this was already difficult. “Well, you saw the end of the movie, right? With Aunt Helen?” Her voice strained itself towards the end of that sentence. She felt every fiber of her body straining against what she was doing. A familiar knot formed itself at the base of her throat. 

“Yeah, turns out she’d been abusing Charlie. It was really sad, but is that why you’re crying? I thought this had to do with what’s been bothering you all week. Isn’t that what you were gonna tell me?”

She gave him an agonized look, willing him, pleading with him silently to understand. _Don’t make me spell it out, Ben._ But really, she couldn’t expect him to put it together. _No_. She was going to need to say it more clearly.

“Yeah. It is what I was gonna tell you,” she sniffed. “And it _is_ why I’m crying. The thing that’s been bothering me this week is the Aunt Helen thing. I had the same thing happen.”

He gave her a puzzled look. 

“Ben,” she said pleadingly. She watched his face fall, and she felt equal parts relief and mild anxiety. She knew, she was absolutely certain, that he would have nothing but support for her. Still, there was a brief moment after his realization where he just looked at her in shock, and she didn’t know what he was going to do next.

He wrapped her in a crushing hug. “I’m so sorry, Leslie,” he said quietly in her ear after a moment. They sat for a while in comfortable silence on the cool tile of the bathroom. He didn’t want to push her before she was ready to say more and she was grateful. Leslie said something about wanting to move back to the couch.

“Not just yet,” she added quickly after he made a motion to stand. The floor wasn’t exactly the most comfortable place, but they both understood the fragility of this moment. The couch meant talking. Explaining. And while he no doubt wanted to hear everything Leslie had to say, he knew she needed to sit here, peacefully, calming down in the safety of their silence.

  
  


When Ben was 16, he played a hockey game with his friends like he usually did on the weekends. One of his more aggressive friends, Josh, accidentally shoved him really hard in the stomach, making him double over. So Ben thought he was familiar with the feeling of getting the wind knocked out of him. Really, though, as vivid as that memory was in his mind, it didn’t even come close to this.

He moved swiftly through the motions of making hot chocolate, but his mind was no doubt moving faster than his hands. How could he not have known this about her? He racked his brain for any tiny indication, any hints that she may have dropped at some point, but he came up empty. Pain on her behalf weighed heavily in his chest. He had seen childhood pictures of her, naturally bubbly and spirited, and the knowledge that she hadn’t been the happy kid he always assumed she was cut him deeply. 

He walked over to Leslie, now on the couch, and handed her the hot chocolate.

“Thanks, honey.” She took a long sip from her mug before putting it down and facing him. “So,” she started uneasily. “You probably want me to explain this a bit.”

“Yes, babe, please,” he said softly.

He took her hand and she smiled before taking one last deep breath. “I used to spend a lot of time at my aunt and uncle’s house growing up. And I was an early bloomer. When I was nine, I guess my cousin...noticed?” She saw Ben wince, but kept going. “That’s my guess anyway, that’s when it started. He was 19, and I was home alone with him a lot. And,” she sighed.

“And what?” he continued gently.

“And he took advantage of that. I wasn’t sure it was wrong at first, because I was nine, but eventually... it just became too obvious that it was something to hide.”

“How many times did this happen, Leslie?” Ben asked, almost whispering.

“God. I don’t know,” she shook her head. “Must’ve been like once or twice a month, for four years, I think?”

He gasped almost inaudibly. “Honey. How- how did you get through that?” He was holding both of her hands now. He had hoped it couldn’t get worse, but then again there was nothing Leslie could say that could make what she had already told him any better. He felt a certain surreal feeling, not unlike being at work at night or in an empty parking lot, only with a stomach churning twist.

“I had to, Ben. There wasn’t much I could do. I did say something eventually though. When I was 13. I told a teacher, and of course she had to call the police. Long story short it became a whole criminal case. I had to testify and everything. He got fifteen years.”

“Oh God. Leslie. He should’ve gotten a life sentence,” he said. 

“Tell that to my family. My aunt and uncle never fully believed it, and his sister, Cheryl, just invited me to her wedding. Which he will be attending.”

“‘Wait was that-”

“The phone call? Yeah.”

“That’s insane,” he said, angry on her behalf. No wonder why she’d been so secretive about it. It really was a lot to explain. He looked directly into her eyes as the anger left his own. “I’m so sorry, Leslie. About all of it. I mean, is there anything you need? Anything I can do? To help?” He had no idea what he could possibly help her with, but he felt it was worth it to make sure she knew that if there _is_ something, he’d be more than happy to help.

She gave him a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I think for tonight, I just want to go to bed. And maybe I’ll sleep this time and not do paperwork.”

Ben didn’t let go of her as they left the living room. He couldn’t. Leslie was strong, and of course she was this incredible and amazing superhero, but he seriously could not imagine how she, generally, seemed so happy and chipper and above all, _okay._

She explained a bit more once they were in bed, like how she’d seen her cousin at the fair and how her mom wanted her to go to the wedding, along with some of the more _difficult_ details about what exactly happened when she was a kid. Ben was patient and listened actively the whole time (she wasn’t surprised), but she could almost see the gears turning in his brain.

“Honey, this whole thing isn’t your mess to clean up. I just wanted to be more transparent with you about my life, and to be able to talk to you about all this wedding stuff. I’m not expecting you to have the perfect response or anything,” she assured him.

“I know. I know, it just kills me to think of you in so much pain, and not be able to help you.”

“I know, babe. But you’ve been pretty helpful already. Let’s get some rest. I have a hunch I’ll be feeling a lot of feelings tomorrow after this conversation.”


	3. Heated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after Leslie opens up to Ben was going to be tough no matter what. It's even tougher when the world isn't anywhere near as kind and sensitive as he is.

A dull pain hit her like a ton of bricks just seconds after opening her eyes. _Not this again,_ she pleaded silently. _Not now_ . She felt the overwhelming urge to sink back into the sheets, to shut everything out. But she couldn’t. It was Monday morning, and Ben was already awake and sitting up. _Okay Leslie, think._ He put his hand on her cheek when he saw her stir. _So much for the faking being asleep._

It had been so long since the last time she’d felt like this, she realized. Images of her teenage self flooded her mind, making her wince. She had been down the past ten days, but she knew that was nothing compared to what awaited her. 

“Honey?” Ben’s voice pulled her, briefly, from her fog. He sank down into the bed to meet her level. “We don’t have to go to work if you don’t want to,” he whispered. “Last night was a lot. We can stay here if you’re not up to it.”

She considered this. “No. No, babe. I want to go to work. I can’t call in for this.”

“Leslie-”

“It’s not that I don’t want to lie here and let you cuddle me and spray whipped cream directly into my mouth for the next twenty four hours,” she said.

Ben smiled. “Then let’s call in.”

“But,” she continued. “I don’t want to let this stop me from doing my job. I already dealt with this enough as a teenager. I don’t want this to stop me, babe.”

She could see him carefully think this over. 

“Okay,” he nodded. “Okay.”

______________________________

“So Chris and I are...kind of back together I guess? I don’t know, I mean it sure would make it convenient to raise a child with him, but then again…” Ann trailed off, noticing the vacant look on Leslie’s face.

“Leslie?”

“What?” Leslie furrowed her brow.

“You’ve looked exhausted this whole time we’ve been talking. Are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine. Just tired, I guess.”

“Did you get enough sleep? Oh who am I kidding? You never do. What’s going on?”

“It’s just...family stuff, Ann, don’t worry about it.”

Of course, that did nothing to stop Ann from worrying. Leslie was a big ball of sunshine and energy, and it’s not like she’d never seen her sad before, but this seemed different. It almost reminded her of those months in which Leslie was broken up with Ben. She wanted nothing more than to be there for her best friend, but she also knew when to ease up and let her come to things in her own time.

“Okay. Well we have that parks and maintenance spring barbecue at 2! You’ve been looking forward to that.”

_____

The barbecue does lift her spirits, a little. The unseasonably warm spring weather and sunshine make her feel just slightly more alert, more perked up, than she has in a little while. She smiles when she sees Ann lean into Chris’ side from across the grass. Ann seemed like she’d mostly forgotten about their chat earlier that morning, and Leslie couldn’t decide between being grateful and being somewhat...regretful? Ben, of course, had been walking on eggshells around her all afternoon until she had lovingly, but firmly, pulled him aside.

____

“I mean sure, maybe the two albums tied in worldwide sales, but _Automatic for the People_ is way deeper than _Out of Time,_ sonically and emotionally. What do you think? I mean, you’ve listened to them right?”

She wasn’t sure what she was going to say until she looked up and saw two of her favorite people approaching the table.

“Oh look here’s April and Andy!” _Phew._ It’s not that she didn’t like talking to her husband about his interests, but she may have been stretching the truth when she told him she’d listened to R.E.M.’s top albums.

“Hey guys! Did you know that pollen is supposed to spread seeds around? So when you get pollen in your eyes, you’re preventing flowers from getting laid, technically.”

“Yeah, I mean that’s...kind of right,” Ben admitted. Credit where credit is due, especially for Andy who...didn’t exactly earn credit very often.

“April’s mom told me that the other day. Man, who knew biography was cool?”

“Well actually it’s biology,” Ben corrected.

“Biology?” Andy scoffed. “I’m not talking about frogs, Ben. I’m talking about the _life story_ of plants.”

“Yeah Ben, isn’t knowing boring things your job?” April jumped in.

“Boring things? That’s Benihana’s specialty,” Tom said as he approached them.

“Yeah well, he doesn’t even know the difference between biology and biography. Oh! I was just telling them, did you know that getting pollen in your eyes means you’re stopping plants from getting laid?” 

“Andy, I think Tom, and most people beyond middle school actually, already-” Leslie tried to interject, but faltered upon seeing Jean Ralphio slide up next to their table.

“Uh-oh! Did someone say getting laid? Because it has been the longest dry spell of my life and I think with your help, Knope, we can make sparks fly. What do you say, you, me, and your husband jello shot turn up the heat back at-”

“No, Jean Ralphio.”

“Understood, but I’m good to go. Haven’t had a dry spell this long since I was 13.”

Leslie felt her brain short-circuit. “Thir-thirteen? Are you saying you lost your virginity when you were thirteen?” No way. _Not possible._

“Yep! And I was good right out the gate, Knope, so if you change your mind-”

“Jean Ralphio, that’s insane,” she insisted. She felt Ben squeeze her hand under the table, but right now she couldn’t tell if it was a show of support or a suggestion to calm down. Both? _The first one,_ she reasoned quickly. She usually knew what he meant by his distinct touches and facial expressions, but somehow, she found herself beyond caring.

“It’s _epic,_ ” Tom corrected. “By the time he finished high school, he must’ve been an expert!”

“Well I lost mine when I was 60, to Alf,” April said coolly.

That almost threw Leslie off enough to disengage, but Tom continued.

“I wish I’d gotten laid that early.”

“Don’t worry Tom, I’m sure by the time you’re 60 you’ll find someone!” Andy piped up.

“He meant 13,” Ben said. “And I don’t really see the appeal of doing anything that early, honestly. Just seems a bit premature and-”

“Ugh, you nerd!” Tom exclaimed.

“Seriously Knope, someone should have loosened you up on the playground or something, you’d be a lot less-”

Jean Ralphio never finished that sentence, because in that moment, Leslie had splashed her soda on his head and began shouting barely intelligible phrases of outrage. She understood the expression “seeing red”, but now she thought it may have been more literal than she previously believed; she almost couldn’t see Ben holding her back, or the stares of the other barbecue attendants. Or that Chris was nearby getting vegan patties.

“Leslie, what the hell!” 

“Leslie, that was amazing.” She thinks that came from April. 

“Honey! Honey, why don’t we go-” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, this is actually the third time this month this happened-”

The overlapping chatter died down as Ben guided her back to her seat. She thinks she heard him say “Why don’t you guys let me and Leslie talk?”, but between the chatter and her rage it was hard to tell. The little group walked away from their table and Leslie felt the knot in her throat unwind just a bit when it was just her and Ben.

“Leslie, I’m really sorry about what he said, but I’m starting to think that maybe we should’ve taken the day off after all,” he told her pointedly.

“Maybe,” she said tersely. “But that was disgusting and I think you should be allowed to dump soda on someone’s head if they’re being disgusting.”

Ben didn’t have time to disagree before Ann and Chris approached them, both with unreadable expressions on their faces.

“Leslie Knope! And Ben of course! LITERALLY two of my favorite people in the world! How’s it going?”

“We’re great! So how are you guys enjoying the barbecue? Did you like the Tucker Park drainage re-enactment?” Leslie asked, in her best casual voice.

“Okay, okay, enough,” Ann snapped. “We saw you dump that soda on Jean Ralphio, and you’ve been acting weird all morning. What’s going on, Leslie?” 

“Nothing! Jean Ralphio was being gross and asking me to sleep with him, and I rejected him. That’s it, happy? Let’s talk more about the drainage re-enactment! I liked the part where the hose-”

“Leslie. There is nothing I love more than nature, and nature based re-enactments, but you are a Parks department employee, and this is technically a government outing. So I’m going to need a full account of what happened, to make sure I don’t have to intervene in anything.”

“And as a fellow city employee, I’d like to be there,” Ann interjected.

“If Leslie says it’s okay,” Chris looked to her expectantly.

Leslie considered this. Would she be giving anything away by explaining? Would anyone else have gotten so mad at that joke? If she did give them reason to suspect something, would they say anything about it or-

“Okay.”

_________________

“Well that’s just awful, I can see why you got so upset Leslie. But, and I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of this, it is extremely unprofessional to dump beverages on barbecue attendants’ heads.”

“Of course it is, it won’t happen again.”

“Good,” Ann said. “He’s really not worth it. I can see why you got so upset, if someone said that to me I- well I don’t think I would’ve done that, but screw that guy.” She gave Leslie a sympathetic smile before turning to Chris and standing up. “I’m gonna go make sure we still have our spot, I’ll let you finish up whatever you need to, honey.”

“Well is that all Chris? I told you everything,” Leslie said after Ann started walking back to her picnic blanket.

“Yes that’s all,” he said. He moved to stand but paused himself. He turned to Leslie and gave her a warm and unmistakably sympathetic smile. “I understand how hard it is to hear those things,” he says unexpectedly. “Really,” he continues upon seeing Ben and Leslie’s confused expressions, “I do. Especially if it hits close. Especially if it makes light of something you know first hand isn’t something to make light of,” he says tentatively. “Because of past experiences. I understand.”

Leslie freezes. _He knew._ How could he know? She was so careful not to make any suggestions that she might have had any more reason than the average person to be appalled by what Jean Ralphio said. Ben certainly wouldn’t have told him, she knew. Even if he hadn’t looked as taken aback as he did currently.

“Chris,” she starts uneasily. “How could you possibly know?” She had decided in an instant to not try to deny anything. What good would it do from her? She knew she was a horrible liar. Besides, she had already thrown caution to the wind twice today. Once by pouring the soda over Jean Ralphio’s head, and once just by showing up to work when she knew she’d be in a...less than ideal state.

“Well I can observe when a Leslie Knope fit of rage becomes personal. And,” he said, “I have seen firsthand the defensiveness and the anger. It wasn’t me, though. It was my stepbrother.”

“Wow, buddy, I didn’t know you were that perceptive,” said Ben.

“Could you do me a favor Chris, and not-”

“Tell Ann?” he finished. “Of course not. You have my word. And I’m deeply sorry that that happened Leslie.” He looks like he wants to say something else, but instead gives her one more shining smile before he leaves to join Ann at their picnic blanket.

For a minute, Leslie and Ben are too stunned to say anything, until Ben breaks the silence. 

“Well I knew he was intuitive but I had no idea-”

“You were right. We should’ve stayed at home. I’m sorry,” she rushed out.

“Oh honey, don’t apologize. I know how hard it is for you to tear yourself away from work. Plus, that guy definitely deserved it. Let’s just go home.”

_________

Maybe she was overthinking it, but this would now be their second night home after she’d told Ben her big secret. She wondered briefly if she should put this on the holiday calendar. Ben was fast asleep by now, and she had, maybe due to loss of appetite, maybe as a self-punishment, refused dinner. And the tears spring to her eyes sooner than she can even realize she’s still upset. _This is ridiculous._ Because she’s a grown woman. Why can’t she handle a bit of crude teasing by a notorious weirdo who won’t even remember the conversation tomorrow? She stalked over to her kitchen.

_This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have made this a big thing. Why didn’t I just rip up the invitation? I didn’t have to let my mom try to talk to me about this._

She takes out a container of leftover lasagna from the fridge.

_And why did I tell Ben? Of course he’s so sweet but now he’s gonna be so worried about me. I should’ve just kept it secret, what’s wrong with me?_

She puts it in the microwave, setting it for 3 minutes.

_This is insane. This is a nightmare. If Chris could figure it out, maybe so could everyone else? I mean that wasn’t a normal response._

She poured herself a cup of water.

_And then what? Everyone knows my business and they talk about it? ‘Ooh, look at the Councilwoman who couldn’t deal with her childhood issues like the rest of us.’_

_What if they think I’m insane? They’ve seen me do some crazy things but what if they think I went too far this time?_

She pulled a plate out of the cupboard.

_Of course they’d think that. Oh God. Everybody knows. Everybody knows and that’s all they’re gonna think about._

_And of course the family’s gonna have a field day with this. ‘Looks like Leslie’s the unstable, mentally disturbed one, and not-’_

_I need to put an end to this. I need to get out of this mess. I should just- I should-_

DING!

Leslie ate slowly. The meat and melted cheese passing over her tongue helped ground her, a little, but stray trains of thought popped into her head regardless. She rested the side of her face against her hand, her head too heavy to stay up on its own.

_This is happening. This mess isn’t going anywhere,_ she admitted to herself.

She didn’t realize she had said it out loud until she heard Ben say from the doorway of the kitchen: “Neither am I.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but I just really wanted to put something out!!

Of course he heard me, she thought. She easily melted into his arms as he hugged her from behind and planted a tender kiss on her cheek. He pulled up the stool next to her and sat down.

“Before you say anything, I just wanna tell you that it might get a little rough but you don’t have to worry about me. I can deal with it like I always have.”

“Leslie-”

“Today wasn’t great, but I promise: no more dumping drinks on people’s heads.”

“Leslie-”

“In fact, it’s best you let me handle the family stuff by myself and not get roped into it. I’d hate to stress you out over something as silly as this.”

“Honey,” Ben interjected. “It’s not silly. Nothing about what you told me is silly. And we’re married, so don’t even think I’m letting you deal with this by yourself.”

Leslie shot him a weak smile. 

“Thanks, babe,” she said unconvincingly. “I just- I don’t want to burden you with this.”

Ben considered her hesitation. Helping Leslie was the furthest thing he could imagine from a burden, and he told her so. He watched her finish up her lasagna, her face painted with exhaustion and defeat, and if he looked deep in her eyes, something else. Something disturbing he couldn’t quite place, something that made him feel like he shouldn’t have given her space this evening like she’d asked.

“When this happens, how do you usually get through it, Leslie? I want to support whatever your process is.”

She stared down at her plate. She didn’t ask what “this” was; they both knew this wasn’t the first time in 20 years she’d struggled with this. Even if it hadn’t been nearly this bad since she was a kid. Even if she’d never told him. It wasn’t the first time.

“You don’t,” Ben said softly. “You don’t deal with it, do you?”

“Not really,” she breathed out. “But it hasn’t been this bad in a really long time Ben! There wasn’t much to deal with anyway. You don’t think I went to counseling when I was a kid? I did a full year of it and I’m fine now!” She felt defensiveness and righteous anger bubble up in her slowly. Who was he to tell her how to manage? How do you even “manage” in the first place? After all, she had been mostly fine.

“Okay, okay, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, honey, it’s just that if you don’t deal with it, it all comes out eventually. And for the record, a year is not a very long time. Not that it’s anywhere near the same thing, but you remember my meltdown on live television when we were preparing for the Harvest Festival? I hadn’t dealt with Ice Town for almost 20 years and when it came up, I completely fell apart.”

She chuckled at the memory. “You fell apart big time.”

“Exactly. Obviously, I’m no expert in this stuff. But I know the answer isn’t just pushing it down and pretending it’s not there.” He pauses. “Wait, maybe you should see an expert. How would you feel about seeing a therapist? Chris says great things about his therapist all the time, can’t hurt right?”

“I think I’m good. I appreciate the idea but I think I’ll be fine,” she rushed out. “Besides, it’s not like I can even pretend it’s gone now, right?” she added half-jokingly.

Ben reached for her hand. He couldn’t push the issue. He knew that. He could just hope she came around to it in her own time and leave it at that.

“Okay,” he nodded. “If you’re sure. But think about it. In the meantime, why don’t you head on up to bed, I’ll clean up here.”

She smiled as he rose and kissed her forehead. As she went up to bed, she couldn’t help but to feel just a little bit lighter, just a little happier, and just a little bit more okay with still being alive.


	5. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this is fic is officially the most self indulgent thing i've ever written. Enjoy!

She was in a trance. Or at least, she must have been. How else could she have walked all the way to Chris’ office to talk to him about the barbecue without turning right back to where she came from? She had barely stepped foot in his office when he greeted her with his usual vigor.

“Leslie Knope!”   
  


“Hey Chris,” she said. “Look, I just-I wanted to talk to you about-”

“Hold that thought! I have to take my multivitamin. It’s a bit of a choking hazard so I’m glad you’re here.”

Leslie watched as he gulped down a quarter sized pill and thought, briefly, about whether it was worth it. She shouldn’t push the issue right? Besides, Chris had said it was his stepbrother, not him. But then again, Chris was a blinding beam of positivity and he’d definitely have...advice? She picked at the skin near her nails as she considered what she really wanted from him.  _ This was a bad idea _ , she decided.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

_ How could he not know? _

“Yesterday, at the park, with the whole mess. I just-” she rushed out, then paused. Where was she going with this? “I wanted you to know that I don’t usually do that. Usually, I’m much better about the whole thing. The, uh, mess. I promise I’m-”

“Leslie, did you really think you had to come here to tell me you’re not crazy? I know you’re not. So what if you were a bit rash? Happens to the best of us.”

“Thanks, Chris, it means a lot to hear that.”

“I haven’t been in your exact position, but I do have some advice,” he said tentatively.

She didn’t really want any advice, especially not from someone who couldn’t even relate to her problem, but she couldn’t exactly say that to him.

“Sure.”

“You should open up to Ann. Of course, it’s whatever you feel comfortable with, but you should know that support from friends is crucial for difficult times. That,” he said, “and herbal smoothies!”

______

“Hey, you okay? You left the barbecue pretty fast after the whole ‘dumping soda on Jean Ralphio’s head’ incident.”

_ Deep breaths. _

“No, Ann. I wanna tell you something.”

______ 

Ann had insisted on taking her and Ben out on a double date with Chris to help take her mind off things. After the inevitable awkward fidgeting, they all settled down at, incidentally, the restaurant where Leslie convinced Ann to seduce Chris three years ago. 

“Wow, who’d have thought that three years later we’d all be here as real couples and not as one fake arrangement plus two?” she’d mused, trying to use the nostalgia of the moment to help her ignore, well, everything.

(“I thought that I’d have negative associations with this restaurant forever, but I  _ literally  _ could not have been more wrong!” had been the response).

It had worked. It was a nice evening. No- better than nice. After a minute they all relaxed, teasingly remembering how much she and Ben had clashed at first, and how Ann and Chris had picked an incredibly long, convoluted way to getting back together. If the tension at first could be cut with a knife, she swore she could feel it melt into a puddle at her feet as the night went on. She’d laughed, genuinely laughed, for the first time in what felt like weeks.

A smile played on her lips as the car’s rumble soothed her into a quiet, contented lull on the way home. It wasn’t exactly sleepiness- it wasn’t even midnight (and she was still Leslie, after all)- it was more of a stillness, a marked absence of worry, that she hadn’t experienced in days.

Now, it was just her and Ben. 

She slowed as she stepped out of the car.

_ Okay.  _ Her, Ben, and, from what she could make out from the driveway, two strangers standing awkwardly in front of their porch. She squinted to try to discern their faces. Not strangers. 

“Aunt Linda? Uncle James? What are you doing here? It’s nice to see you.”

“You might not be coming to the wedding?” Aunt Linda demands.

_ Crap.  _ Why would her mom sell her out like that? She’d have to deal with that later.

“Look, Leslie has every reason not to want to go,” Ben said immediately. If there had ever been a time to prove to Leslie that he was unequivocally on her team, it was now.

  
  


“Isn’t it a big wedding?” she added. “Why are you getting so upset over my absence, specifically? I’m sure Cheryl will have tons of family and friends-”

“If you don’t go, it’s gonna call attention to the whole 30 year old mess and take attention away from a happy celebration,” James explained in that rational, older relative voice Leslie had come to hate hearing.

“And don’t you think you’re dragging this a bit much? He already spent way too much time in jail, you got what you wanted, you’re gonna keep dragging this out forever?”

And she was vaguely aware that Ben was saying something. Quickly and loudly, and he may have even been yelling, but she wasn’t sure. She breathed in deeply, hoping to clear out the loud circus music she’d just started hearing in her head, a valuable tactic she’d learned all those years ago.

“I got what I wanted?” she repeated slowly. “Tell me, Linda, what  _ exactly  _ did I want? What exactly was 13-year-old Leslie’s diabolical plot, because I would just love to hear-”

“I don’t know what you wanted Leslie, but clearly you were troubled since your father died and your mom got so busy. I don’t know, some sick cry for attention or help or-”

“Go home. Now.” She was surprised at the clarity and rage in her voice, but she wasn’t backing down.

“Yes, leave, and stay gone,” Ben spat. And before Leslie could process their goodbyes and exits, he was guiding her into their house with an urgency that surprised her. 

She collapsed onto the couch in sudden draining exhaustion. She felt Ben take a seat next to her.

“Ben,” she said, staring straight ahead. “I’m sorry. I knew this would get messy but-”

“Honey, please don’t apologize. I know what it’s like to have frustrating relatives, remember? And I meant it, I’m helping you with this.”

She couldn’t help but smile at that. “Thanks, honey. But this is worse than I thought. I never gave them our address.”

He shifts uncomfortably. “Wait, do you think- are they stalking?”

“No. No, I don’t think they’d go that far. I think my mom told them. She had to be the one who told them about me not going to the wedding. I guess I just didn’t think she’d do something like that.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “Me neither.” 

He sighed before adding, “Let’s just go to bed. We’ll figure this out tomorrow, okay babe?” He searched her eyes desperately; Leslie wasn’t one to leave things alone, but he knew (from a recent experience) that an exhausted, emotionally drained Leslie was not a rational person.

______________

She was quiet the next morning as they got ready for work. Ben didn’t push it and she was grateful. She was seething, and this time, she really,  _ really  _ didn’t want to be talked down.

“I can’t believe you gave them my address. Why would you do that?” she demanded as she walked into her mom’s office.

“Well good morning to you too-”

“Mom. How could you give them my address without my permission? They showed up at my door last night with no warning, and they started demanding I go to the wedding.”

“That’s it? Leslie, sweetheart, it sounds like they just paid you a visit and asked you to go to your cousin’s wedding. And I gave them your address because I knew you wouldn’t give them a chance to talk otherwise.”

“Yeah, there’s a reason for that,” Leslie snapped. “A couple weeks ago, you told me no one would blame me if I didn’t go, and now you’re giving out my address so that people can come ‘talk’ to me?”

“Okay, fine, I’m sorry I gave out your address. I didn’t see the harm.”

“Oh my God,” Leslie said incredulously. “You-you agree with them? Don’t you? That I should go? You were all reasonable to my face but you agree with them.”

Her mom shifted in her seat. “Well. Yes. After thinking it over, I do. It’s been 20 years, Leslie. I’d like to be able to talk to my brother and niece without an elephant in the room.”

“Even if that means letting them say whatever they want to me. You know they said I lied about everything. Because I needed _ attention _ .”

“It’s just hard for them to wrap their heads around it, dear.”

For a moment, Leslie just stood there in stunned silence. This  _ can’t _ be the same Marlene who scolded her for letting people talk over her. Or who picked apart her high school debate points when they weren’t aggressive enough. 

“I can’t believe this,” she said. “You taught me not to take crap from anybody, why is this different?”   
  


“Because they’re family and you have no idea how much they helped when your father died,” Marlene said simply, as if that gave them a “Get Out of Jail Free” card for anything they wanted to say or do.

Leslie inhaled deeply. Her mom wasn’t budging on this, and neither was she. 

_ I really thought you’d have my back on this,  _ she wanted to say, but after seeing her mother not-so-subtly glance at a pile of paperwork she needed to get back to, she turned on her heel and left.

___________________________

A few nights later, she was snuggled with Ben on the couch. That had become a common occurrence lately. She had always been a cuddler, but it was different now. Usually, their cuddling had been little more than a cozy, romantic bonding activity, or, if one of them was sad, a comforting, reassuring one. Now, though, it was more.

Ben held her tight. For comfort, of course, but there was fear and necessity in his grasp, too. He had seen something in her the other night that unsettled him. She’d underestimated how well he knew her, how much her eyes gave her away, how he could feel her fading. He didn’t hold her close to his heart just for affection; he did so because he knew she’d spiral to her darkest places if nothing grounded her, and his heartbeat might just keep her calm enough to stop that. It was affectionate, sure, but affection sounded so goddamn childish when all he wanted to do was absorb every ounce of pain from her body. He could bear it. For her, he could do it ten times over.

“I just hope they forget about the whole thing.” Leslie’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Me too, but if they don’t, that doesn’t mean we have to be part of their nonsense forever, you know that, don’t you?” He met her eyes when she pulled back to face him.

“Yeah, I know, it’s just frustrating knowing this is actively happening, you know?”

“I know, this really-” 

Leslie’s email alert interrupted him. She usually turned off her alerts at night unless they were from the City Council. Or the IOW. Or Ann. Or Build-A-Bear. Or-

“Hold that thought,” she said slowly as eyed her phone. 

Her face paled.

“What? What is it, babe?” He asked quickly. 

“Oh God. Oh God, Ben, this can’t be happening. Look at this email Jamm sent to everyone in City Hall!”

He peered over her shoulder, his breath catching in his throat when he read the contents of the email. 

“‘Councilwoman Knope spotted attacking innocent park-goer, details to follow.’ This is ridiculous. Honey, I’m sure nothing will come of this. They have no proof, no details, there’s not even a story to tell, honestly.”

When she didn’t respond, he glanced at her. She had fallen silent, completely still except for the way she chewed her lower lip, a surefire sign that she was either deep in thought or very anxious. Right now, probably both.

“Let’s go,” she said after a moment. “We need to go to City Hall.”

“Okay, and do what?”

“I don’t know, Ben, threaten to shave Jamm’s head or something until he backs off. I can’t let him spread rumors about me, we have to do something.”

She was right, of course, Ben thought. It was bad enough that her own relatives were probably spreading ridiculous rumors about her within her own family, but for it to bleed into her work life was beyond unacceptable. He understood now, he thought, why she was so insistent on going to work even after such an emotionally taxing night the day after she told him everything. Even for someone like Leslie, whose work touches every part of her life, it’s important to have distinctions and dimensions that don’t necessarily touch. More than anything, she wants to draw a line on the pavement and put her problems firmly behind it.

They drove to City Hall in silence, mostly by her choice. Only when he pulled into the parking lot did he ask her if she was okay.

“No,” she said. “But that’s never stopped me before.” 


End file.
